We will overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony (Rev 12:11) and so I want to share a testimony with you…
There was a point in my life where I had fallen so deep into disappointment in myself that I felt there was no hope left for me. No words or vision of the destiny that was rightfully mine could resuscitate my dead heart because I was convinced I just did not have what it took to get there. I had walked with Jesus, experienced the Father’s love, and the partnership of the Holy Spirit in ways I had not known were possible and yet I found myself back in my old ways – as if none of it actually happened.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, I have good news and bad news for you today.
Have you been wondering… What happened? Where did it go wrong?
And then you start backtracking all your steps analyzing the million and a half possibilities where you may have made the wrong choice.
Everyone carries and releases a certain atmosphere about them and at that particular point in time, mine was one of darkness and anxiety. My house and my family were not unfazed by it. I was sucking the life out of my own home into the abyss of myself but I felt too helpless to even protect the ones that I loved most.
Bad news 1: You are not just hurting alone.
As much as you may try to keep your junk locked in, it bleeds wherever you are. My poor daughter at the time was just around two-years-old and she woke up with night terrors, threw senseless tantrums, and was overall behaving poorly all throughout the time I was not doing well. I focused on and tried to fix all these issues individually not knowing they were just symptoms of the lack of peace in my home.
Good news 1: You are not just hurting alone. (Yes, you read that right.)
My husband was well aware of my struggles. But it was just one of those things he couldn’t help me with. No talking, preaching, consoling could revive me. So he did the only thing he could – he prayed. I have no doubt that someone is praying for you when you feel most abandoned. The Holy Spirit prays for you with groans that words cannot express (Romans 8:26) and Jesus is at the right hand of God interceding for you (Romans 8:34) and they both like to use their people to do it.
One of the greatest tactics of the enemy is to make you feel as though your issues are unique to your circumstances and no one else understands. Wrong. “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience.” (1 Corinthians 10:13, NLT). We can find comfort in this simple truth. We’ve all been there and Abba always provides a way out.
Bad news 2: You are in sin.
It was a typical afternoon after I had finally put down my daughter for her nap, I heard the Holy Spirit say, “How much you are disappointed in yourself right now shows how much you expected out of yourself before.” It was his kind and gentle way of convicting me of the sin of pride that had led me to where I stood.
The sin that had ultimately caused my downfall was not the lust, lack, and/or loneliness that I had tried to overcome and failed to do so on my own. As Karl Barth puts it, “Sin is our refusal of God’s coming to us and our refusal of our going to him in Christ.” My sin was in my refusal to come to Him. Barth continues,
...whether it is in the form of a proud self-exaltation or a slothful self-denigration, a perverse passion or an anemic apathy, the sin has the same shape—it is a curving in on ourselves in the form of a refusal of God’s gift to us in Jesus. 'All we like sheep have gone astray,' Isaiah writes. 'We have turned every one to his own way.'
Good news 2: You are in sin!
Almost simultaneously as I had the revelation of my sin, I felt my spirit leap in joy as I remembered… Jesus took care of my sin! The old has gone and the new has come! What am I doing wrestling a dead corpse?
I immediately sat down at my kitchen table and recited Galatians 2:20:
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
No tears. No days/weeks of feeling sorry and working my way back into God’s favor. No “trying harder.” No dramatic moment. No lights. No music. Nobody facilitating prayer. Nothing. But me and Jesus.
I kid you not, just like that, weeks of torment and delusion were gone in an instant. My daughter even woke up from her nap with a completely different temperament and stopped having night terrors. It felt as though I had woken up from a very long nightmare and I was myself again. I say that because I was not myself when I was functioning under darkness and deception. And I speak to you and remind you: you are not yourself in your darkest moments. Remember your Creator and who He says you are. I think it’s safe to assume He knows how He made you.
There is good news today and it is none other than the Gospel itself. Jesus came to seek and save the lost and it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve lost your way. Are you in sin? PRAISE GOD, Jesus came for sinners. There is always a way out... will you take it with Him?
As for us, we have all of these great witnesses who encircle us like clouds. So we must let go of every wound that has pierced us and the sin we so easily fall into. Then we will be able to run life’s marathon race with passion and determination, for the path has been already marked out before us. We look away from the natural realm and we fasten our gaze onto Jesus who birthed faith within us and who leads us forward into faith’s perfection. His example is this: Because his heart was focused on the joy of knowing that you would be his, he endured the agony of the cross and conquered its humiliation, and now sits exalted at the right hand of the throne of God! (Hebrews 12:1-2, TPT)